| Omega |
[Mar. 11th, 2005|12:13 pm] |
Alright. I disapeared for a while interperate it how you wish too. This is presumably the last entry in this journal. If you want to find out how to reach me leave a real(no anonomous ones) comment and we can talk privately. To those else this is farewell |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2004|10:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Cruel Angel Thesis | ] |
Zankoku na tenshi no you ni
shounen yo shinwa ni nare
aoi kaze ga ima
mune no doa wo tataite mo
watashi dake wo tada mitsumete
hohoenderu anata
sotto fureru mono
motomeru koto ni muchuu de
unmei sae mada shiranai
itaikena hitomi
dakedo itsuka kizuku deshou
sono senaka ni wa
haruka mirai mezasu tameno
hanega ga arukoto
zankoku na tenshi no te-ze
madobe kara yagate tobitatsu
hotobashiru atsui patosu de
omoide wo uragiru nara
kono sora wo daite kagayaku
shounen yo shinwa ni nare
zutto nemutteru
watashi no ai no yurikago
anata dake ga yume no shisha ni
yobareru asa ga kuru
hosoi kubisuji wo
tsukiakari ga utsushiteru
sekaijuu no toki wo tomete
tojikometai kedo
moshimo futari aeta koto ni
imi ga aru nara
watashi wa sou
jiyuu wo shiru tame no baiburu
zankoku na tenshi no te-ze
kanashimi ga soshite hajimaru
dakishimeta inochi no katachi
sono yume ni mezameta toki
dare yori mo hikari wo hanatsu
shounen yo shinwa ni nare
hito wa ai wo tsumugi nagara
rekishi wo tsukuru
megami nante narenai mama
watashi wa ikiru
zankoku na tenshi no te-ze
madobe kara yagate tobitatsu
hotobashiru atsui patosu de
omoide wo uragiru nara
kono sora wo daite kagayaku
shounen yo shinwa ni nare
-----------TRANSLATION--------------
Like an angel with no sense of mercy
Rise young boy, to the heavens like a legend
Cold winds, as blue as the sea,
Tear open the door to your heart, I see
But unknowing you seem, just staring at me
standing there smiling serenely
Despereate, for something to touch
A moment of Kindness, like that in a dream
Your innocent eyes have yet no idea
Of the path your destiny will follow
But someday you'll become aware of
Everything that you've got behind you
Your Wings are for seeking out a new
future that only you can search for
The Cruel Angel's Thesis
Enters through the window of your soul
If you should betray the chapel of your memories
The Cruel Angel's Thesis bleeds through
a portal like your pulsing blood
So, boy stand tall and embrace the fire of the legend
Embracing the universe like a blazing star!
Sleeping ever on
In the cradle of my love
The morning where only you
Shall be called a missionary of dreams comes.
Beams of moonlight
Pour onto your neck
Stopping time all over the world
How I want to grasp them
But if the encounter between us
Is to have meaning
I must truly know
The Bible to know freedom
The Cruel Angel's Thesis
The sadness shall then begin
The shape of the life that you embraced
When you awaken to that dream
Shining more light than anyone else
Rise young boy, to the heavens like a legend
While people spin love
To make history
Without such a goddess
I shall live
The Cruel Angel's Thesis
Enters through the window of your soul
If you should betray the chapel of your memories
The Cruel Angel's Thesis bleeds through
a portal like your pulsing blood
So, boy stand tall and embrace the fire of the legend
Embracing the universe like a blazing star! |
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| Take a Stand |
[Jun. 14th, 2004|04:28 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Loved ones- Candy Cane | ] |
Lets hope my comp doesn't freeze while i write this. I still haven't fixed it so this isn't the long entry i've been waiting to write. I want everyones input on this so please everyone comment. I am so sick of watching everything happen overseas and not having my life affected at all. I can't be drafted, i can't join the military. I don't want to kill but i want to help somehow and not by just donatring some money i want to do something. So i'm seriopusly considering next month buying a ticket to the middle east taking my camera and starting to document the atrocieties. If i can find some publication that would fund this venture and print the photos it would be even better. This isn't me just talking out of my ass or a passing fancy either i've always been involved in things i thought would help better the world. If no one will fund this then i'll getr a job over sea an english speaking person doesn't have a hard time to find a job in the middle east plus i'm bi lingual anyway. I know this is a big step. I've been thinking about this a while. But i can't just keep protesting from the safety and comfort of the us. I need to be part of it. And he reason i need to be out there is no one is doing what i want to do what i want to see happen. How many pictures of palestinians do you see how many pictures from the gaza strip? How about from kuwait city or from bahgdad even? You have to search to find paragraph long stories with one picture or most of the time no pictures. I WANT TO MAKE A CHANGE. Not for the glory i don't care if rthey publish everything anomously. But because people should know not everywhere is as pretty and safe as the us. |
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| Stab yourself in the belly |
[Jun. 6th, 2004|05:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Your enimies friends- The one condition | ] |
My computer has frozen twice on me now makinng me restart this twice so i've decided to wait till i fix my computer to update but an update is coming so be ready. |
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| Come see the first show of Take Today with it's current line up. |
[May. 4th, 2004|05:33 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | rock'n out | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Catch 22-Dear Sergio | ] |
SATURDAY MAY 29TH 2004
AT THE HOLLY BOWL!!!!
Rt. 38 Hainesport, NJ 08060
DOORS:: 6PM - 10PM
ADMISSION:: $6
Come see TAKETODAY first show with 2 new members!!!
Also performing::
Color of Day / Rushmore / Fit to Fail / Audiot
If your not there then your gonna be on my badside for a while. |
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| Its less a word and more a scream. |
[Apr. 23rd, 2004|04:52 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Poisin The Well-Artist Rendering Of Me | ] |
Well Well Well its been a damn long time since i seriously updated this. I though i had no readers and whats a live journal with no readers? Just a plain old journal thats what and i already have a different form of that so i figured no need. But there has been protest at my lack of posting so since people apparently read this i'd figure i'd pick up the pen again as they say. Well alot has happened since the last time. Old pals have resurfaced. Paul and i have made up. So the old friends are Joe Pullito whom i've actually been talking to about all this years so far, and more recently Joe Edwards aka Joe Take Today he had another nickname but we left that in the dust. So now JoeTT is in Take Today obviously a band which evolved out of EHNJ a scene staple back in the day. Theey sound really hot and guess who got picked to be manager? Me so now i manage two bands. One in philly one in burlington. Me and JoeTT have been hanging out a lot its been real cool hes a real cool kid(hah he's older than me). I went through medicine with drawl last week it sucked real bad. Really bad flashbacks. So this is officially the worst i've felt since i've slit my wrists. But i haven't cut or done anything bad so it shows i'm stronger than i was which is good. So i have a poem to post its definately a prototrype for a song. Enjoy or die a horrible death just don't do it on my lawn.
its less a thought
and more of a scream
and everything flashes
in that iinstant
your love
your loss
your life
your death
the mirror crash ass you
slash and sadh every
hope of every seeing a son
deep into your arms
life soon becomes a note
cliche' |
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| I want, i want, i want to be subterranean |
[Apr. 7th, 2004|05:26 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Faint | ] |
Well this isn't going to be the update that is so desperately needed just hitting a few points nor is it the poetry poll. Squee died in my arms. WE buried him under a tree down by the lake. Summers Gone is planning their summer tour with break away and the connection. I'm moving to philly. And here is s story i wrote last year leave a commen if you read it.
She opened her eyes, for what seemed like the first time in days. The bitter cold hit her all at once and she nearly lost her breath. She tried to stand but the walls of her head were pounding so hard, it felt as if they were going to collapse in upon themselves as though she tried her hardest all she could muster was to sit up. She looked around, semi-conscious of where she was, and the pounding in her head made her barely able to distinguish one blur from another. She took a deep breath and stepped out of the pile of blankets she had been calling a bed.
She walked across the room. The cold floor hurt her feet but the again she was used to that. She shut the window and stared outside. She blankly looked down at the street, it was dark and the street lamps were on. The pavement and building sides looked even more depressing under the faint yellow light. No one was outside, it was desolate. The street looked almost naked with no cars and no people. She thought to herself, it’s so silent it’s painful, which was quite a feat in its own right considering how much goes on in this wretched little city. She gathered her thoughts, shook her head, and looked over the room. Its bare blank cement walls and white linoleum floor were a reflection of what she felt her life had become. She put her back against the wall and slid down till she sat on the floor; she pulled her knees to her chest and began to cry.
At first she didn’t even know what she was crying about; she tried to hold the tears back; she tried telling herself how childish this was; how pointless; how she didn’t have anything to cry for; but none of it was true; she knew deep in her heart, deep in her soul what was wrong. Ever since she was a little girl this was always her dream. She knew coming into this it would be hard but she loved it so much. She thought about how ever since she was young she was always sad, she was always so lonely, but when she was up on that stage in front everyone with the music everything faded away, she felt so alive; so happy; so loved; so needed; everyone’s eyes were on her and everyone knew who she was and how beautiful she felt. The world didn’t matter; the screaming from her parents was silenced; even the names the kids at school called her just weren’t important anymore.
When she got to high school it was different. No one ever called her names; no one ever made fun of her. In fact no one ever even seemed to look at her. She was just another face among the hundreds. At least in her younger grades they noticed her. She began to find more and more solstice in her lessons she began to live for them, to count the time at school till they came around. Every evening she would go and Petra would instruct her. She remembered Petra very dearly. He was the only one who told her how well she was doing and how beautiful she was. She felt such emotions for him. She thought he was a strikingly handsome man and her first crush.
She remembered, he and she were alone in the studio one dark rainy night. She had been practicing very hard and her whole body ached, and Petra called her over. With a heavy Russian accent he said, “Come here, we have to talk about your form today;” there was something different his voice, something almost scared. She walked across the room and sat down on the floor next to him. “You’re doing great,” he said “…a little stiff but great. By the show next month you should be perfect. Well as long as you keep practicing as hard as you have been.” She nodded yes and smiled. “I know I work you hard, and I know you go home with blisters and bruise and sore muscles every night, but I do it for a reason, you know I do,” he said “I do it because you have the most talent I’ve ever scene, and you’re beautiful. You know that don’t you.” She didn’t understand why he would say that but she kept looking into his eyes anyway. “Ever since you came here for lessons I knew there was something between us, I knew you were smart and beautiful. I’ve wanted this to happen for such along time.” She didn’t know what to think or say, she tried to tell him to stop but his hands were already moving up her thigh; she turned away un able to look at him; the further up his hands went the more she felt like crying or screaming or both; she finally worked up enough courage to say stop. He just looked at her and said,”Its okay, just be quiet, its okay.” Then she remembered he covered her mouth with his hand. She tried to get up but he forced her down. She creamed but it was muffled by his hand. She bit him but still he didn’t move his hand away. She looked at the door hoping for someone to walk in, anyone to walk in, no one did. She just cried, tears rolled down her face and onto his hand but still he just looked her straight in the eyes and said, “Its okay, its okay.” She closed her eyes and tried to drown it all out. But the sharp repeating pain and the heavy breathing just wouldn’t go away. He pushed her body harder to the ground and she stopped moving, stopped crying, just stopped everything and laid there. Suddenly the pain stopped and he stood up. She looked at him and he quickly turned his face away. “It’s okay,” was all he had to say.
As she began to cry she looked down at her torn clothes. She just couldn’t understand how this is okay or why this is okay. She just couldn’t understand at how someone she trusted so much could do this. She was so hurt; so scared; so ashamed, she even began to feel guilty. She thought to herself how it had been nearly fifteen years and she still blamed herself slightly. After that day things weren’t the same anymore. She didn’t spend every moment waiting to go to lessons. It wasn’t her only solstice anymore. She still went every evening though. She never was able to tell anyone, and it wasn’t until much later she was even sure she should have.
One day, two years, later she came to her lessons and Petra wasn’t there, but a man who was much older and introduced himself as Vladimir was. He explained that he was the one who had taught Petra, and he said that Petra had some business to attend to back in Russia. Vladimir was to become her teacher. She never saw Petra again in her life and she was much happier that way; it wasn’t until twelve years had gone by that she learned the true story; which was that Petra had passed away from a long battle with AIDS. When she heard that she was over run with emotions: fear, sadness, shock, and even shameful pleasure. She immediately went and got herself tested. The results came back negative. Vladimir went on to become and excellent teacher.
Her mother and father on the other hand we’re fighting even more so than before and that was about the time when her father picked up drinking. With the constant screaming at home, and no one ever saying a word to her at school she was being eaten by sadness. She turned to her lessons even more so before throwing her body and her mind deep into them. She would be there for seven or eight hours at a time. She would get lost from the world not caring or noticing anything till she would finish. That is why she stuck with it. That’s why as much as she hated where she was now she knew all along that this is how it was going to turn out.
She stood up and wiped the tears from her cheek, and walked into the bathroom. She splashed water onto her face and looked into the mirror, which happened to be still broken from the week before, and stared at the haunting face that was looking back at her. She looked like she hadn’t eaten in weeks, her face was long a draught, her eyes were hollowed and sunken but their deep blue still stood out as if to show there still was life inside of this person. She opened the cabinet and poured out the pills she had to take, loathing every second of it. But she swallowed her pride and the pills in a single gulp of water. Turning on the water she stuck her hand under the flow to gauge the temperature. When it was warm enough she took off the bra and panties she had been wearing and got into the shower. She just stood there letting the warm water hit her body, hoping to wash away the sadness that had always followed her. She eventually accepted that nothing was going to change from just a shower and got out. She wrapped herself in a towel and walked back into the main room. She was hungry but she knew if she ate she would get even more depressed; she thought to herself, the performance was soon and she already looked horrible enough. She decided against it.
She needed to be there so soon she went back into the bathroom. She opened her case of make up. She didn’t want to, but she forced herself to look back in the mirror; she began taking out various different powders and creams. She began to put some one when she could help thinking how much she thought she looked like a whore; all dazzled up and hiding behind a mask of beauty products; how all she was really doing was hiding her face from the world; how all she was doing was being even more of a coward. She knew though if she didn’t do it herself the woman at the performance would make her look like a real whore. So she once again had to compromise her feelings and went on ahead and finished putting on her make up. She was putting on her lipstick, bourbon; it was Nicolli’s favorite color. A tear ran down her cheek as she thought of him; memories filled her head, and she wished so hard he was still here. She remembered the day she first met him; right after she graduated from high school. She remembered vividly the fight she had had with her mother. How she had wanted to go to school but stayed with her lessons as well. She remembered when she had told her mother she was dropping out of school to pursue her dancing full time; her mother said, ”How could you do this to me? How could you? After we worked so hard to finance your schooling. After we paid so much so you could have a better future. So you wouldn’t just piss you life away under some filthy instructor doing some little shows now and then in little piss of theaters. So you could have a real job. So you could be a real honest working person. So you could have a family and a child and be able to support it.” No matter how much she tried to describe to her mother how happy it made her to perform; what she felt on stage, and how she didn’t feel that way any other time in her life, her mother just wouldn’t listen. “You made us waste all that money on expensive schools, just so you could turn around and quit? You meant to do this all along didn’t you? Is this some way to get back at us? What did we do wrong? All we ever wanted was to show you a better life. And you, you go and throw it all away? Fine then, fine then. Go be a little girl for the rest of your life, be a dancer.” Her mother said it with such scorn and malice it made her cringe.
After that she packed up her things and went to the studio, there she met Nicolli. Vladimir was there he tried to comfort her but he really didn’t know how too, so he told her she could stay there in the studio as long as she needed too, that was all he could do. They practiced almost non stop for a week when Vladimir told her that they had another student coming in and his was to be her partner; his name was Nicolli. He came in late one night during rehearsal and introduced himself. She thought he was the most beautiful man ever. He spoke with a light Indo-Russian accent and said, “Hello. It is very good to meet you, I am sure we will become the best of friends; you see I am your new partner.” It wasn’t long at all before they had moved in together. It was the first time in her life that she felt really loved, and the only time in her life when she was truly happy. She remembered though it didn’t last very long; Nicolli came home one day and said only this, “The doctors say I have brain cancer. They don’t know how long it has been there but they do say there are some treatment options and there is hope. So don’t worry. It’s okay.” Two months later she was standing over his grave placing flowers upon the ground and kissing the head stone. She could not help the tear that rolled down her cheek. However, she quickly dashed it away. She would not let his memories be tainted with tears. That was the only happy time in her life and she was going to continue to remember it that way.
She quickly finished putting on her make up. She walked over and threw on some clothes grabbed her bag and went out the door. It was a couple of flights of stairs to the ground. It was dark and they were very poorly lit but she had climbed them at this hour so many times before and she had no trouble this time. She reached the heavy metal door and the bottom and as always it was a struggle to open, but she managed, as she always did. She turned and began to walk down the empty street, at least it was too early for the men to be out who would think she was a whore. She did however miss the noise and as she walked began to hum to herself. At first it was comforting but soon it was more out of habit than anything else. The barred up widows and remnants of broken glass on the ground made seem as if the place had a much darker story to tell, but she tried not to interest herself with such things. She continued walking for another half hour, past her studio, and into a much better section of town then she had been in ages. She found it both frightening and refreshing at the same time. It seemed more wholesome, but that in it self, she felt, was sinister in it own right.
She finally reached the theater, it was much more gorgeous than she had envisioned. She entered through a door in the alley way and saw the familiar face of Vladimir. He informed her that she had plenty of time, and they had given her her own private dressing room seeing as how she was pretty much the star of the show. She was flattered by the concept and for the first time in a very long time she blushed, he smiled back and said,”It’s right over here.” She walked in and it was a small but well lit room. She was more than gracious for it and began to get undressed. She got into her out fit, all the while avoiding the mirror. When she was done she sat down in the chair they had given her. A slight anxiousness built inside of her as she waited. This is what she sacrificed everything for; this is what she lived for. Slowly the time went by, but then Vladimir came in said she had to take her place. She walked up too the side of the stage and all emotions consumed her at once. She was sad, and happy; nervous and relieved; she was scared but it all soon faded away. The music started and she began her movements; at first they seemed slow and heave, but then the light and sound took her in and carried her mind to a better place; she moved gracefully from one movement to the next they blurred together and she stopped being able to see the movements one by one; she was seeing the whole tapestry of it; it was all one, pulsating and alive; she felt alive for the first time in weeks; she thought that at this moment no one could refuse her existence; no one could refuse her beauty; Her thoughts shifted from one moment to the next feeling every second of it all; she didn’t see how she could possibly been sad before; how she could have been scared before; a euphoric sense of joy enveloped her whole body; it carried her as she jumped, as she twisted, as moved from one end of the stage to the other. This is what she lived for, this moment; if it never ended she would be happy until the end of time. Nothing else would matter, she would forget all that had happened, and be happy.
But all too soon it was over; the music faded out; the people applauded, they even gave her roses, but they soon left; soon it was just her on stage and no one else around just her. She fell back to the ground and it was all over. She went back to her dressing room and got back into the clothes she had been wearing. Vladimir came in and said,” That was the most beautiful piece you have ever done, it was one of the most beautiful pieces I have ever seen. I am proud of you.” A tear rolled down her cheek as no one had ever said that to her before. He offered her a ride home and she took it. This time it was raining hard, but the streets still were filled with people and there was a lot of noise. She thanked him and got out of the car and went up to her apartment. She quickly undressed sat with her back against the wall and wondered, why it always rained when she was sad, or was she always sad because it rained. She thought about for a while realized it was too much for her to think about right now, walked over laid down, and tried to shake the sadness that had been with her ever since the music stopped that day. |
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| Scared of girls, Burger Queen Evil Dildo and other Placebo song titles. |
[Feb. 27th, 2004|03:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Red Roses for a Blue Lady-Pretty Birds Get Caught by Cats To | ] |
SO yeah no one has been reading this which is a shame cause i posted some important info on here none the less i'll get some people to read other than the assholes who shadow my fucking journal silently i know they're there but fuck them. Anyway besides the assholes who don't know dead till it hits them in the face things are good. Going to a ska show in philly tonight man i miss ska shows i'm gonna dance the night away all i need is a lollipop boy or a chelsea girl i'm in a chealsea girl kinda mood. But we all know i wont get a girl or a boy i'm no good at it. I'm going with sarah and two of her friends or so is the plan. Then saturday i start my painting class water colours i hope to do some good work in there i hope we don't have to paint fucking apples or some shit like that. After class i see summers gone and a bunch of others at the starland ballroom. Summers gone by the way apperantly elected me their manager and just put out a demo/ep i have the mp3s if anyone is interested and soon i'll have a copy if anyone wants one. Ahhh managing bands it feels like 97-2000 all over again. These guys are good though with alittle woork i think we could go places how far depends on alot of factors. So if your booking for a show let me know. Yeah i know none of you are but if you know anyone who is let them know to get in touch with me. My artistc side has been in dormant mode waiting for this painting class but soon i'll be pusshing it back up again so soon new poems(even though i just posted two with no response grrrrrr) and new paintings even thats like a 7 year hiatus that shall soon be over. And sympathys go out to Dan(uk) over his knee relapse. And to you phantoms i'll leave you nameless for now but fuck you and stay out of my life. |
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| Activism is in my blood don't make me spill yours to make you join. |
[Feb. 24th, 2004|01:29 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mercury Risings - From Autumn to Ashes | ] |
Well okay a cause has grabed my attention nearly all of it. First of i will state i'm not anti Bush, but he is trying to push legislation to ban all abortions and shut down all current clinics. On top of that he is also trying to ban birth controll, he also wants to ban teaching about contraceptives and the free distrobution of them. Imagine hopw many more pregnancies would occure because of the loss of birth controll maybe your girl friend is on birth controll would you want that to be banned? Or how about your ability to go to a free clinic and get free condoms? Or if you do get a girl pregnant or if your a girl and you get prengnant and there is no way you can afford to take care of it but abortions were outlawed and had to take care of it anyway? Or what if a girl got pregnant and her life was at stake but abortions were illegal and both lifves had to be lost. So please if any of this concerns you go to this webpage www.marchforwomen.org/ or aim me at penguinatemysoul. Feel free to reproduce this on other sites in fact i ask you to. Even if you don't want to take action someone else might. The march is April 25 there are different events leading up to it you don't need to attend any of them to march but if you want to meet people from your area who share veiws with you there are meetings for that. Go to the site or contact me and i'll help ya gett started. |
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| Burning feathers fall from wings ablaze a child tear extinguishes the fire inside my soul. |
[Feb. 18th, 2004|11:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | cynical | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Bright Eyes-A Perfect Sonnet | ] |
Here we go i have two poems to post today i know the first one isn't my best work(okay it sucks) but i can't post poems with out posting the failures. I'm not above my faults and i knwo not everything comes out elegant so i'll post it anyway. I do like the second one though i think its pretty rad, but thats just me, you might think differently but oh well. Here we go:
Everyday I pray for this sadness
this bleak picture enveloping, developing me
and if i'm alive
i sure don't show it
and i want so much to be you
but your already dead
every voice i hear says the same thing
"Son, your already dead, why don't you finish it?"
and everyday i think to myself; Why not?
why not?
why not?
He's the boy with the golden heart
he comes from the lake of fire
burnt eyes are the mark coming
from a sea of burning tears
he's the boy with bleeding eyes
he comes from the place of lies
Screaming "why" in a world of
hell seething falsehood promises
he's the boy sitting pretyy
and hanging from a tree
whispers and screams screate me
i fee on the young and old
showing peo[ple how to bleed |
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| Some time the only person around to blame is yourself |
[Feb. 7th, 2004|02:24 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  shocked | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ALEXISONFIRE-Adelleda | ] |
:::::Warning contains spoilers to the butterfly affect::::
Lets start off with the good things that have happened in the past bit and today. I just finished a chat with my friend dan from kent its always good talking to him. Hes real good guy can't wait to meet him someday. Bronwen and Tim called They and Soren got and apartment up in vt there setteling in they were able to keep their dog. So thats all good i was so happy when they called even though i have my doubts that they woulod have called had i not woken one of their friends up at night trying the old number i had to reach them. I was worried that they just didn't want to have anything to do with their life from the time when they were here which included me and i care deeply about the both of them so i was kinda stricken cause thats something thyat always bothers me is losing good friend suddenly cause i used to move with like a weeks notice and move out of stae and never see or hear from my friends again and never be in a place long enough to make friends. So now when i do i make deep bonds with people that i don't like to break unless they fuck me oever then i'll cut any0one out of my life if its making my life go in a negative way because i have a hard enough time staying positive. anyway boil it down deep bond bronwen soren tim sudden absence fear and doubt calll relief and happiness. Today i hung out with sarah for like the first time in year we keep talking but nevger hanging out and we went to diner then to petsmart i got adoption agency numbers for squee, then to buest buy where i finally picked up the 28 day later dvd so i can see all 3 endings and i got the pretty girls make graves-"the new romance" and for bronwen the 5.6.7.8's-"bomb the twist" which was over priced for an ep then over to the mall to stop in hot topic whe i got AlexisonFire-self titled anbd what i thought was the hardcore band tokyo rose but it turns out i got tokyo rose nj-"reinventing a lost art" wich is a pop punk album so i guess its a gift for my sister. Then the part of the night i regret we went to see the butterfly affect which i new i shopuldn't go see cause it about dissociation and it has child sexual abhuse in it and schizophrenia traces. but i went annd saw it and there a scence where the pedop[hile father of the main characters love intrest films the two in kiddie porn and that was far too close to home and the mental isntitution scenes were to close to home and the black outs and the death scenes of the romance the suicide bit was alot to bear if you know my history so know i'm an emotional wreck sahaking and the whole bit i knew i shouldn't go see it its me own fault. |
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| Your are the one, who carries a gun, and pulls i out, and i see the round barrell, and you scream. |
[Feb. 2nd, 2004|01:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  moody | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sleater Kinney-Light Rail Coyote | ] |
Went to another show, nora, dillenger escape plan, mercania, otherelm, the banner, folly, the locust, your enimies friends, and one whos name i didn't get. The show rocked even though i was only able to do a little pit damage. Every single band was good but we left right before dillinger escape plan because we were hungry which is a major bummer. Higlights of the show though were nora and their filming of a video for "should have sent flowers" which i should be in cause i was up in the front singing the whole time but what suckked was they played second stage not main i was pissed cause i like nora alot and they deserve to play main stage but thats not saying the main stage acts weren't good cause they were, other higlights were your enimies friends, a bands from la, they were really good, the locust,a band that played 30 something 30 second long songs and dressed in whit body suits with big eyes and wings and had no bass player and space sounds, mercania was good as well, and the band who didn't anounce there name was genius it was one guitar player and one drummer and they played the same drum beat and same guitar chord for 20 minutes everyone left the room and went and saw the second stage band folly but i sat and listened and watched for the whole "set" and laugh my ass off the entire time. I spent a little to much though i bought 10 cds and 4 shirts the ceds are sleater kinney-one beat, give up the ghost-were down till were underground, eighteen visions-vanity, your enimies friends-the wiretap e.p., dillenger escape plan featuring mike patton-irony is a dead scene, dilleneger escape plan-calculating infinity, nora- kill you for a dollar e.p.-neverending youline e.p.-losers intuition-dreamers and deadmen. I'll be posting my thoughts and reveiws on all of them in the upcoming weeks as i can give the attention to each that each one deserves i have listen to all of them and they are all good so no duds which is cool. Today though are my thoughs on the sleater kinney album "one beat" their 2002 release on kill rock stars records. If your not familiar with the band their and indie rock trio 3 girls = 2 guitars and one drum and 3 sets of vocals. There powerful without being agressive driving repetive guitar riffs and nice 90's indie style breakdowns the vocals remind me of a mike between two obscure bands another girl led indie band calamine and an japanease rock and roll band 5678's but alot more imposing. Only downside is the music is a bit simplistic but i think that makes it better if they had full scales and progressions they would loose their sound. Highlight tracks :3,6,9,12. |
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| Revelations of diner filled last night. |
[Jan. 24th, 2004|11:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Radiohead-Creep | ] |
This is more of a reflections piece than an update, that said i spent the latter part of the evening with paul at the diner, seems over that past couple of months i've takin akin to spending my night in there listening to music,reflect,draw,and write. Also it seems the onbly time paul and i hang out. I know he's my friend but its like he doesn't want me to be friends with him when others are around. Which is really fucked up. But i really think i'm just very emotional right now but still it begs re-examintation. I've faced alot of rejection in my life because lerts face it i'm not a person everyone can handle and i've heard everything from i'll always be your friend or your my best friend or i love you and i don't believe nearly any of it unless its been proven even if it has been proven it can turn around and betray when you most need it so i'm always prepared for people to stab me in the back its sad but its what i've learned i need to do. There is no one i meet or no one i know i put beyone trying to use me for their own purpose, proplr likr to play games they get ego trips they feel big or simply they don't care and will usse the easiest path to their ends. just like the postal service says "well i was the one worth leaving." I am me. I am the best friend and the best person i can be i put it all on the table right from the beginning, i make sure people know right off the bat what there gettiong into. ?I make friends quickly and i care more than time should allow in alot of cases that is a fault of mine but a fault of mine i like. It may get me hurty much more offten but if one good friendship comes out of it within the course of my life then i'll be happy even if one doesn't i'll be happy knowing i didn't hold back. Love is something i have experience very sporadically and i mean true whole spirit love but i have experienced it tqwwice it ended in tragedy most other times ended in heartbreak. But i know what i experienced and its much more than most people will ever have and people give them selves to other people for pleasure physical pleasure i'mn a virgin and will remain till i find another person who i care about with my whole soul and who i know cares about me with their whole sole enough that i forget my fears and cherish them. I have no problem never having kissed anyone its who i am. If i remain this way for 20 years i will because i care about something more than physical gratification even though i joke about it all the time it does mean theres any thing more than humopur in my jokes i joke about alot of things i have avid stances on like death,ddrugs,alcohol,violence i'm sarcastic so sue me. I was saddened the other day then again today 1st by reading someone elses journal and it being the most materialistic thing i have ever read the fact that someone could put so much worth in material possesions and wwealthy experiences its really got to me, then today to see another person pass the blame for their own mistakes(another jopurnal entry diff person) i see so many people not willing to take responsibility for their cactions it makes me sad thats like the first thing you learn as you grow up you fuck up you own up at least thats how i live my life, i'm nopt perfecvt i'm made huge glaring errors and mistakes but i've always fessed up to them and took responsibility if don't take responsibility then its simply someone else trying to pin their problems on me cause i'm an easy answer i take alot of unnessicary blame in my relationships with people but i wont be a token for other people problems or mistakes i'm not a toy or a tool to be used like that i've been used like that enough of my life. I know not to cdount on anyone when it can be helped but i'm in a place and a situation where i need to rely on other people to a certain extent i know i have a long dark road to walk and no one will be there to hold my hand but i need someone to show me where the road begins cause all i see is cold concrete 360degrees around me. One thing is even if i lose everything and end up in some street alley in cali i'm going to keep my book anbd my pens and one day something beautiful wwill come out of it or something horribly dark which only i will find beautiful. I find comfort in darkness in sadness and suicide though i find comfort in thoughts of death i find beauty in the horrible the dark the sadistic when i feel likme this its the feeling most familiar i feell like i'm home like i'm complete like i'm how i was ment to be. But its that very feeling that scares me i don't want to be like this my whole life there were times when i wasn't like this times when i was better i wouldn't say i've ever felt happiness but i think i can imagine what itas like and i want that to be my warm familiar comfortable feeling. I'm going to continue working hard twoards this goal and someday i will achieve it. Someday. I'm saddened about bronwen she left and didn't leave a number and hasn't called me i'm begining to think she going to be an one who wants nothing to do anything with me. And if so i'm going to have to respect that. So winding up i will get through this if i have to go to school living in the alleyway i will i've been there before i know how to survive i can swallow my pride and ask for help i can even learn to swallow my morals and take it(the help that is) i can find solutions and aanswers i can live with nothing for a long time i have before and i know at some point i will again if this is my suffering then so be it i can handle it i will become a more rounded person because of it and probably gain a few experiences i'll never have again as an artist they say your inspiration grows with pain and i already have plenty but if thweres more i'm not going to run away from it. |
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| I want to love you like i did but your beutiful face is now maggot ridden dead flesh |
[Jan. 17th, 2004|01:21 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Bled-We Are The Industry | ] |
I can't understand where i am
Everything was far away from me
and i, o tried so hard to see
this face beaming down on me
i can't understand what i'm supposed to do
door are locked behind me and
walls are tall and gloomy ahead of me
my family left me two turns ago
my friends are all waiting to feed upon
the circle i'm weaving in the ground
and while i run i cannot see why
i can't understand why
why everyone wants to see me
sprawled on the floor ripping my own
heart out and running twoard
the edge and falling
and falling |
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| A thousand doors and all of them have locked me out. |
[Jan. 16th, 2004|11:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  rejected | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Postal Service-Sleeping In | ] |
Forgive the bad poetry adorning the title of this entry. Everything has fallen apart, real friends have disapeared, why is it everything slits my arms and lets me bleed into open pools on the ground when everything was so close to being complete? Lets start back on the good note. Sunday the 4th Paul Bronwen and I went and saw Most Precious Blood, Walls of Jericho, Throwdown, Forgetting Tommorow, 25 ta Life and some other who played on the second stage who we didn't watch. Forgetting tommorow sucked horribly, Walls of Jericho was vicious they rocked real hard i picked uyp both their albums and a shirt, MPB took [pictures of my tatoo and i got to talk to rachle the guitar player she was real cool told us why the original singer left and why the got rob fusco i bought a shirt and 2 pins and went up to the front and sung my heart out fucked up a couple of stars po my tatoo though hopefully the touch up will fix it but man they were so good the pit was nice unfortunately they didn't play "it runs in the blood" or "so typical my heart" my two favorite songs. Throwdown was phenomenal i didn't get any of their stuff though i was outta money by then but theey played alota old straight edge anthems and it was great. WE all had fun then afterward we went to manetas and mike scabarozi came by and we talked and had more fun. Was a good night my last in a while. I got my classes set up or so i thought i singed up for psychology101,german intermediate 2, basic drawing, amd 2 dimensional design but i just got a lettersaying 2 dimensional design got cancelled due too low enrollment so now i have to go and see if there is a 2 dementional design that has sufficent enrollment and fits into my schedule or if i can get permission to just take painting 1. but all this plaes in the fact that my dad is throwing me out of my house. And the worst is i don;'t know the reason he just came home one day and said i had to find another place to live he said he was sick of me being home all a week before school. So now i need to find a home for my cat so if aanyone is interested and a caring person he's very friendsly i can pay to have his shots up and fixed. he's house trained. But i wont give him up if your and unkind cruel person. SSeperatley i need a place to stay i can afford about 200/a mo rent and can get my own food. i can't go to serv cause their not taking mercer co residents, i have no relatives or friends ion the counties that are accepting so i could use their adress to say i lived their, i have no family to move in with, and as of right now all friends have turn the back on me except two. So if you can help Please Call 396-1296. I'm at my last ending. |
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| Fuck retrospection |
[Jan. 2nd, 2004|01:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nerdy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hopesfall-A Winters Rose | ] |
Its january 1st i'm not going to write about the past year i'mk not going to write about the future i'mn going to write about now, now is summed up by the ink in my skin for those i love i will sacrifice my mantra my moral. For everyone i love family friends i will do everything for ythem anything i can do for them i will if they need me i'm there for them anyone who wants fuck with them they can fuck with me. The people that are there for you are people that you should never forget. i don't forget anyhelping hand in my life even those that have stabbed me in the back those that have used me and those that have tried to get the best of me the liars the unfaithful the broken sad souls that wont ever amount to anything they could have been. i've meet alo9t of people who could be so much more than what they will be. now i'm not saying i am holier than anyone i have all of my faults and shortcomings and personality gaps. i'm far from perfect but i work hard on whats wronbg with me to break beyond my limitations so i welcome my share of critisizm but i also bounce most of the insults and catcalls away i accept what my wrongs are a none more because i am avoidly working twoards being a better person. i am grateful for the people in my life right now they show me what it like to have real friends
are like. People i love i;m friends with i'm friends with my favourite aritist bronwen i'm friends with people who like me are there for those who care about them. i still have love for people who aren't in my life anymore and always will and now some of them crossed the line and i hate them but if it came down to it i would even the score and help them out cause they helped me out. simply put FOR THOSE I LOVE I WILL SACRIFICE. |
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| Ahhh its that time of year again come and gone left alone |
[Dec. 30th, 2003|12:15 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The misfits-Devilock | ] |
Well its a little late but heres my holidayish update. I spent a lot of money x-mas shopping alot. that said it left me com-pletely broke which was a bad thing but the fact that i had gifts that i actually wanted to get people and still had gifts for people that i knew weren't going to come back into my life but i felt it was the holiday and we had a a pastr and if they wanted too they were welcome too it. of course they sit here un used and i will give them to people who are well in my life. The day before i took the time to either call write a letter too or im everyone i know basically and since this is my little corner of the internet i would like to take the time to give a big fuck you to everyone who was too much of an asshole to return my well wishes that really pissed me off its two words and people can't even take two seconds to say it so yeah there assholes in my book. On christmas it was nice spent the morning with my family i saw my mom for a little while then i spent some time alone just catching some sleep then hung out with paul and michele at pauls house. It sucked that again i didn't have a meal on christmas but i dealt. Everyone so far liked their gifts which is a plus i have a couple more to give. Well that sums up the holiday as too so far this week i'm getting my tatto done which is cool. umm thats all bye. |
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| Man don't i love hardcore pits and the battlke wounds the leave. |
[Dec. 13th, 2003|03:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | One True Thing-I'll Wait | ] |
Well lets start yesterday i got to see bronwen for like an hour. We hung out in my room it was really good seeing her. I got to give her my gifts she got perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky, a published poem of mine(which i had to do alot of work tracking down the book to pick one out) and my latest short story, tim got happy tre friends vol 2 on dvd and the both of them got an art book of surf skate and snow board graphics through out time. She was nice enough to give me her lmt. edition amniesiac book/cd which you can't get anymore i tried to talk her out of it without being ungrateful but she stood her ground and i love it. She gave me all the Vt info and all and said she staying for a little bit longer but time and soren are going up early next week. I'm going to call them tommorow see how they like the gifts. She gave me a call today saying her mom said i was always welcome at their house and that she liked the short story. I'm hoping to see tim and soren for at least a good bye before they leave. Hopefully this wont be the last i see of them cause i'll be really said i feel i have a connection with them and i have to many people come into my life get close then leave. So i'm really gonna try to visit them even if paul can't i'll take the train up. I'm going to visit them at least oncew no matter once even if i have to wait till next summer.
So tonight Was the Nora, Avenged Sevenfold, From Autum To Ashes show paul, sam, ron and i went, paul and ron in one car sam and i in the other. The show rocked hardcore the oipeniong band dearly depearted sucked beyond beliefe people were clapping when they said they had one more song left bad but then nora came one nj locals the fucking rocked i showed the little kids how the pit is owned got kicked in the head twice but was never knoced down i stayed in practicaully the whole set got out my urge then went back up to the balcony where we were and watched the last two songs my hands were shaking uncontrollably and i was hot as hell cause i was wearing 4 shirts cause i bought 2 and didn't want to carry them so paul hands me a red bull important story note it tase like shit but i drink it all. The avenged sevenfold came on the first song sucked ass but the rest of the set the were really good. then FATA they play a bunch of ould like eulogy for and angle, short stories with tragic endings, reflections, the switch and a bnuch of new stuff during there set the red bull caught up with me and i had to throw up in the bathroom where i met two kid with bloody noses i told them all the thing that have happened to me oever the years and they were like damn you still go to show i was like yeah and i felt totally hardcore it was funny. We lefdt sat at manetas a biut i told matt about how much the show rocked and all got a milkshake then we went home i bought a fat shirt a nore shirt two nora pins and a one true thing album who is the girl who sings on short story with tragic endings band all in all a good night. |
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| No need to cut me open its obvious why i died. |
[Dec. 10th, 2003|12:34 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Most Precious Blood - It Runs In the Blood | ] |
I cashed my disability check today. It was real shady i had to use the forms of id and he still was hesitant and we were in a bad neighboorhood and with that much money i was sure we were gonna get robbed but we didn't i guess paull and i look strong enough not to mess with(hehehehe) yeah i'm a real bad ass i even got the mohawk to prove it.(heh) So we picked up tickets for the show sam and ron i picked up theirs. I bought my amp but they have to order the foot pedal he said it should be in by thursday and they knocked a hundred off the price. Its sitting at pauls house cause by the time we were gonna move it it was really dark and plus john (pauls brother) wants to try it out so i haven't got to try it out yet i have to wait a day and man am i so anxious about it i really really wanna play it it a vox 212 half tub half digi with a shit load of amp mood and pre tube effects its gonna rock. I also pikced up three cds Most precious blood-our lady of annihilation, hot hot heat-make up the break down and scenes 1 through 13. The mbp album fucking rocks hand downs best hardcore releazse in along long time rob fusco does the band wonder on vocals i didn't think i would like him as much as tom the old singer but he is just as good if not better the music has a better sound to it the lyrics are just as dark iits real good i recomend anyone remotely interested in hardcore to pick it up. And make up the break down is good too its kinda 80's sounding but i like it i recomend it as well but scenes 1 throuygh 13 is a rarities and vyvnils collection so its kinda weird its alot heavy and harder than the other album so give it a listen if you like hot hot heat. Everything as of right now is still on for thursday so i'mn looking forward to it. and then Friday is the start of what hopefully will be a good show season and hopefully i don't get hurt or my dad will freak.
so i leave you with the words of wisdom off of the new mpb album:every scar has a story: no guts, no glory |
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